Bad Titles and Bacon

Independent Films.

In honor of Sundance 2012 coming to an end these are the top tens things that must be involved in an independent film in order for it to be considered an independent film:

1. Indie rock 

2. Very complex characters listening to Indie rock

3. More Indie rock

4. A plot that is both simple and yet confusing

5. A list Actors that are doing independent films for the “ART” of it, but in reality were only hired so that the movie would eventually get a widespread release

6. Soft melodies of unrefined musical scores that remind the audience of Indie rock

7. A slow pace

8. The slowest pace in the history of movies

9. “OMG if this goes any slower I will stab my eyes out Oedipus style!!!”

10. A Robert Redford endorsement

*I would like to say that I would do anything short of selling my body on Craigslist in order to go to The Sundance Film Festival each year. 

*I would also like to say that if I had a chance to bang Robert Redford I probably would.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

In my words the plot of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

WARNING: There are spoilers. If you don’t like spoilers don’t read any further. You have been warned.

The movie opens with a Swedish man with a Swedish name pensively starring at what I believe to be some surrealist masterpiece of art, or just a flower in a glass case. We know that this is important as the camera lingers on said flower. Thank you David Fincher for the fucking obvious. 

A really bitchin version of The Immigrant Song plays alongside the opening credits. It reminds the audience of a James Bond movie while trying to convince the audience that it is in no way a James Bond movie. 

We then move to a very distraught Daniel Craig who has just lost something important, but there is so many fucking Swedish names all you can understand is that he royally screwed up. None of this matters as Daniel Craig is sexy. He makes his way back to his office where Princess Buttercup awaits. They engage in some brief sexy repartee, and then Daniel Craig leaves to go cuddle with his duvet cover. 

(The next sequence of events are a bit mixed up because A. I saw this two weeks ago, B. I didn’t read the book, C. It’s fucking confusing.)

We are then introduced to Lisbeth Salander who is probably one of the most bad ass characters to ever exist. She is played by Rooney Mara (Oh you don’t know who Rooney Mara is you say? She was Mark Zuckerburg’s girlfriend in The Social Network! Hey wait wasn’t that also directed by David Fincher?). Salander is working for another Swedish company and found all sorts of background information on Daniel Craig for this other Swedish guy. 

Daniel Craig has a Christmas party! Salander confusingly finds out more information about the Swedish guy that disgraced Daniel Craig. 

Salandar’s chess playing elderly gentleman friend has a stroke. He controls her finances. Now this creepy fat dude controls her finances. She has to give him a blow job for money. He is fat. 

Daniel Craig gets a job! Working for the original Swedish dude at the beginning of the movie who is finally reveled to be Henrik Vangar. He wants Daniel Craig to solve a murder. His beloved granddaughter Harriet disappeared 5000 years ago and he believes someone in his crazy mess of a family killed her. The plot thickens. We get more confused. 

Daniel Craig goes on the hunt for the killer. He talks with old policemen, and he recieves all of Henrik’s information and research on the killer. He befriends a cat! 

Salandar needs more money and goes to the fat dude’s place. At this point I really had to pee so when I returned from the lavatory I found Salandar chained to a bed, naked. I then had to witness the most horrific ass rape scene this side of Oakland, and have decided to never leave the safety of my home ever again. 

Daniel Craig has Harriet’s old Notebook that has a confusing encryption on the last page with letters and numbers and such. He meets Stellan Skarsgard who is suave just like his gorgeous sons. He realizes somewhere along the line that he needs help. The old Swedes tell him of Salandar and her abilities. 

Salandar goes back to the creepy fat guy’s place where he promptly says that he thinks they left their last encounter a bit badly. You ass raped her you fucking nutter what did you expect a fruit basket? She retaliates with a level of bad assery that can only be accomplished if you are Chuck Norris. The audience feels vindicated and a bit queasy. She then goes to a nightclub and picks up a lesbian. 

Daniel Craig interupts Salandar’s lesbian daliances with bagels and a job offer. She accepts and they embark on solving the murder. 

Daniel Craig and Salander interview the family (I think). They find out that the confusing encryptions are bible refrences because Daniel Craig’s daughter loves Jesus. Henrik has a heart attack. The familly asks for Daniel Craig’s resignation. He…says no. The cat is murdered. The audience cries. 

Daniel Craig gets shot! Salandar fixes the wound with dental floss. They have sex. Daniel Craig pretends that he gained weight so that the audience would think he wasn’t James Bond. He fails. Salandar makes toast!

They find a picture that reveals Harriet’s murderer, but they don’t know who it is yet. Salandar goes to the secret restricted library. Daniel Craig is on his MacBook. They discover that it is Stellan Skarsgard! Really it was his father and then Stellan, but it doesn’t really matter. Because it makes the most sense, Daniel Craig decides to snoop around Stellan’s wood side glass mansion. Stellan comes home. The audience pees their pants. Drinks ensue followed by torture and Enya. 

Salandar discovers Daniel Craig is missing, realizes he found out who the murderer was, and pops over to Stellan’s. She finds them in a most compromising position. Daniel Craig is strung up on a meat hook and Stellan is about ready to dance with his innards. Salandar hits Stellan with a golf club, and then the chase scene begins. She leaves Daniel Craig sputtering on the floor while she chases Stellan through the streets on her motercycle. He is in a car. He crashes. It blows up. 

To briefly summarize the next hour of this never ending movie I will give you the spark notes version of what happened. Harriet is alive! She is her cousin. Her brother and father raped her many times and then she killed her father, and faked her own death to avoid her brother. Family. She is reunited with Henrik. They cry and hug. Salandar decides to help Daniel Craig by disgracing the Swede who disgraced him. She dons a blond wig, empties the bastard’s money account, and sends him on a nice trip to the Caribbean. Daniel Craig regains his lovely reputation and promptly shags Buttercup. Salandar is sad and cannot give him the nice leather jacket she bought him. She rides off into the night. 

End. 

*I would like to say that I really liked this movie. Except the cat murder. I could have done without that.